Friday, July 14, 2006

Before we go any further, there are some things you should know about me…

1. I’m obsessed with Paul Tergat. I love him more than is reasonable. I met him once and almost licked his face.

2. I love athletics, but this doesn’t mean I can or should run. I did once. I was sixteen, in Form Five, in a mixed boys and girls school. I was a last-minute inclusion in the 4X400 relay during sports day. I didn’t have my shorts, so I borrowed some from a (guy) friend. He was MUCH thinner than me. I grabbed the baton and my moment of glory. I was soaring. I believed. The wind was pushing me along. The wind was my friend; I felt it pushing my whole body. This was because the shorts had ripped from top to bottom, falling into two neat and very separate pieces, exposing my very red underwear. My last memory was of six-year-old boys screaming, falling, collapsing with laughter. When I came to I was in Form Six.

3. On my first day in New York City a dirty, toothless, homeless woman followed me for three blocks, shouting that I was the filthy whore who’d stolen her husband.

4. The first time I got my hair ‘relaxed.’ It took me months to convince my mother to let me, and another few months to convince my aunt to give me the Revlon Relaxer Kit she’d brought from London. I finally sat down, with my cousin, at the upscale salon where ‘everyone’ went. Then we waited for the relaxer to do its magic. Nothing happened. The hairdresser came to check. She sniffed the container. “Ah, I know why this thing isn’t working,” she yelled. “It’s rotten!”

5. So I cut my mangled hair. Then, determined to grow it, got some hair extensions and a fancy braided style. Went to Mombasa, swam as usual. Wondered why these bratty mzungu boys were following me in the pool. The next morning at breakfast, right there next to the cornflakes and milk, one of the brats marched up to me, holding a bunch of my cowrie-shell adorned braids in his sweaty little hand. “Here,” he announced, “you keep leaving these in the pool.” Then to his friend, confidentially, sorrowfully, “She does her hair so tight it falls off. She’ll be bald soon.”

6. My life can be described as a “History of Increasing Humiliation.”* See 2, 3, 4, and 5 above.

7. Then there are times when I feel no shame. I once stole a rock. I was in Standard One, six years old, and a girl had brought a shiny white stone to ‘show and tell’ or some such nonsense. I liked it, pretended it was mine - I even showed it to the teacher again, claiming credit - and took it home. I kept it till I was in high school. That’s right, a rock. Yeah, I’m bad.

8. People keep asking me what’s playing on my iPod. As if. I still have a Betamax. My niece thinks I’m cool and modern, but that’s because she thinks it’s a microwave.

*With thanks to Martin Amis, who understands.


Blogger Milonare said...

Hey KC

Thx for stopping by mine...

Welcome to the land of blog.

Pole about your exposed ngothaz during your sprint but it made me LMAO

14 July, 2006 12:29  
Blogger CountryBoyi said...

as u might want 2 know again, am a countryboy & most of the stuff of this entry retain no earmarks of country life. still, u get a tick.

15 July, 2006 13:07  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

Hey Milonare, thanks for stopping by! And the underwear story explains why I will always be profoundly anonymous.
Countryboyi - I'm SUCH a town chick I can't even sleep at night if there's no noise (or if it's too dark). Going to visit your blog now. Talk soon!

17 July, 2006 13:22  
Blogger Jay said...

Finally I have tracked you down.
Was just trying to get a mental picture of u in fire engine flying like the devil himself were after you. i'd have died of laughter (unless you were my sister, buts ince you aren't....).

Welcome to the blogosphere.

18 July, 2006 09:51  
Blogger Omar Barsawad said...

Kenyanchic - you just joined my Blogs Of Note! If I may say: you are absolutely hilarious! And use words, excellently well!

Unfortunately; very unfortunately - I haven't read any of Martin Amis's books!

18 July, 2006 13:33  
Blogger Omar Basawad said...

I should have logged in using this site - Basawad's Safari Notes; still, I hope you like my Moments In Words From Hadhramout which I dedicate to my other home: Hadhramout!

18 July, 2006 13:44  
Blogger baz said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

18 July, 2006 14:14  
Blogger baz said...

Coincidentally, on my first day in Nairobi City a dirty, toothless, homeless woman followed me for three blocks, shouting that she was a filthy whore and would I be her husband.

Great to see you blogging, KC.

18 July, 2006 14:26  
Anonymous acolyte said...

This post rocked!It's a wonder you are still sane!

18 July, 2006 15:39  
Blogger minty said...

Hilarious. Had me in stitches. I'm gonna be stopping, no parking, here often.

18 July, 2006 19:59  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

@ Jay - glad you found me, I've been cyberstalking you for months! Now, how do you know I'm not your sister??
@ Omar, thanks! The History of Increasing Humiliation is from The Information, a book I wouldn't even know how to describe. Amis is a little insane.
@ Baz - That was me!! I keep having these unfortunate flashbacks, see...

19 July, 2006 09:34  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

@Aco - nobody's ever accused me of being sane. And it ain't gonna start now!
@Minty - Ms. Panda Gari? We're birds of a feather. Inmates running our own little asylums. Karibu.

19 July, 2006 09:45  
Blogger The 0ne said...

I'm going to go with "WELCOME TO THE BLOGSPHERE"

20 July, 2006 04:34  
Blogger ~sandinmyshoes~ said...

hey, good to know the dirty-old-hag-chasing-you-down-the-street-shouting-obscenities thing has happened to some one besides me! phew!

20 July, 2006 16:11  
Anonymous modoathiii said...

OH MY ***! me thinks me knows you! that, er, ngotha will forever remain burned in my memory...oh there it be, but you flew like the wind you felt in your thuthas.

okay, my session on the 'couch' is over.

watch out for me on the couch!

15 September, 2006 16:43  
Blogger DeTamble said...

what is hair 'relaxant' and how does hair relax exactly??

01 February, 2008 11:59  
Blogger Mo said...

Detamble, relax, straighten... it's all the same. :)

20 September, 2009 02:10  

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