Friday, August 18, 2006

No more Ms. Nice Chick. Or, beware the female of the species…

I’ve been AWOL for a while. Because I was dealing with some annoying s**t. Remember my first post? Where I said that there were people who had PISSED ME OFF? Oh honey you don’t know the half of it. So I decided, in the name of democracy and revenge (but mostly revenge) that I’d let my blog pals decide the proper punishment for They Who Cross KenyanChick.

Scenario 1.
You’ve been dating this guy for about 3 months. He’s funny, you get along great. Then one day, just after work, you call him (it’s Friday, what’s the plan?), he says he’s dropping a friend in town, will call you in 35 minutes. (Yes, he said 35, not 30 or 38, but 35. This lends this excuse particular credence and makes him sound like a mature time-managing man. But I digress.) So, three hours later when you still haven’t heard from him, you call again. No answer. Your girls have dragged you to the local for ‘one’ so you’re not planless, you’d just sorta like to hang out with your man.

One hour and some bad karaoke later, you call again. Still no answer. It’s 10 pm, kwani what town was he dropping this guy in, Busia? Your girlfriends mock you about being clingy and/or having been dumped without your knowledge. Pissed off, but determined to go down with dignity, you desist from calling again. Get thoroughly drunk. Monopolise karaoke machine until owner politely asks you to ‘let others have a chance.’ You weave your way home, singing. Pass out.

You’re woken by the phone. What the…? You get up, whoa, alcohol gets up too, lie back down. Try again. Check the time. It’s FIVE AM. And, of course, it’s him. The Little F***er (LF, for ease of reference.) Drunk, but incredulous, you answer. Lots of background noise, music, laughter, clinking glasses. He’s very happy, he’s had loads more to drink than you have. “Hi baby,” he slurs, with no apparent sense of shame or irony. “Where are you?” Since at this stage you’re incapable of speech, you settle for animal sounds. You bark with annoyance. He’s confused. “Hello?” he pathetically tries again, “What did you say?” By this time you’re so pissed off you’ve strangled your cat. “Anyway,” he soldiers on, “If you’re at home I wanna come over. I’m hungry. Si you have some leftover pork?”

I must pause here. I can’t go on. So, here’s the question: what would you do the next time you saw LF?

1. Smack him in the mouth.
2. Press control alt delete. On his forehead. With a hammer.
3. Have sex with him, record it, digitally alter the pictures to his severe detriment and email them to all his pals and Kenyans abroad.
4. Hug him tight, tell him "you look ready," then unleash the Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique from Kill Bill.
5. Introduce him to your cousin Stevo, the ex-mugger who still enjoys a good workout.
6. Offer to give him some pork he’ll never forget. (I don’t even know what that means but it sounds ominous. Discuss.)

I'm under no obligation to do any of the above, but you never know. You never know.
Vote now.


Blogger joshi said...

wat!!!!i know some bad MFs who can hunt down the LF,and by the time they are done with him,trust me...he wont be able to piss while standing

18 August, 2006 12:46  
Blogger savage said...

I would go with number three,but stop at the first coma. I don't even have to tell you this because it's exactly what you are gonna end up doing. Besides by the time you see him again you won't be mad.

Ya'll chicks are weak.Ya dudes be literary shitting on you and ya'll are powerless.

In the meantime put "when you mad" by Ne-yo on repeat.

18 August, 2006 16:11  
Blogger Joseph Walking said...

let the guy come over cook for him after he is done send him on his way home.i promise you after that he will behave and never coz u any trouble

18 August, 2006 18:38  
Blogger joshi said...

@savage..brilliant thinking mate!! for a moment i thought i was wondering where u were

18 August, 2006 19:06  
Blogger minty said...

I have my own reasons for prefering number 6.
Joseph walking's prolly right. Nothing works like having him think you weren't moved an inch. He'll take more interest, only you'll be ready for number 1.

19 August, 2006 15:55  
Blogger baz said...

I think we should go with 6. So we can find out what it is.

21 August, 2006 11:09  
Blogger Jay said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

21 August, 2006 13:47  
Blogger Jay said...

Number one would be a logical start.

Not the best person to give such advise. I have the feeling there is someone somewhere who refers to me as LF or worse. I never asked to be fed though (lets get that clear)

What can I say the urge to engage the phone keypad is directly proportional to club pilsners imbibed.

21 August, 2006 13:48  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

See now only Jay and Joshi are on the right track. Violence is the only solution (yeah, I said it).

Joseph Walking and Minty must be out of their blessed minds. FEED HIM? With food that won't kill him? You are operating under the seriously misguided notion that I'd want good things for this LF. Surely you jest!
Baz might be on to something, though. 'Pork you'll never forget' could become a catchphrase for all manner of activities involving dismemberment, decapitation, etc. I'll work on it.

And Savage. Sigh. Dear, dear baby-daddy of mine. "When you're mad" by Ne-yo? You're lucky you're in Minnesota. And are the father of my children.

21 August, 2006 16:22  
Anonymous acolyte said...

Number 1 and 4 look pretty good to me!Holla back when the deed is done!

21 August, 2006 16:40  
Blogger Mataachi said...

Oh come on, you know you looooooove him!

22 August, 2006 12:14  
Blogger Klara said...

I guess I would go No.2, press delete & run...Forgiving him wouldn't change a thing...and sleepin with him will only leave u feelin worser...
Bt that's typical of Kenyan men!!!!and they have the guts to call us the weaker sex???

22 August, 2006 16:56  
Anonymous udi said...

some dudes amaze me with the wenda they pull when they call a mama. yaani all he could have told u is that i will call you once i drop the jamaa off. no need of wekaing time frame. that way, u can pitia ka local, kula nyake with the boys and talk matusi before going to spend time with squeeze yao.

23 August, 2006 00:06  
Blogger Archer said...

LOL @ Number 2!
Number 3 will only work to your own detriment. Resist the temptation to attempt it.
I have an idea. Combine #2 and #6. Give him some pork he'll never forget (by this I mean real food, not the yet-to-be-mentioned agenda) then when LF is leaning back enjoying "The Itis" (Chappelle Show) you may now smack him proper!

23 August, 2006 12:49  
Blogger The 0ne said...

You know what, I'ma sit this one through...then again I know some dude called Squeaky Cobra who could hook you up with a "solution"...His methods are lethal, venomous even, but bizarrely squeaky clean...

24 August, 2006 04:08  
Blogger Chatterly said...

Number Six is brilliant only if you lace the pork with rat poison :-) and later, give cousin Stevo a call!

24 August, 2006 22:58  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

I'm seeing him tomorrow! I'm so psyched, ha!
@ The One and Chatterly, great minds. Great minds. I'll let you know what I did. Oh, he should be SO afraid...

25 August, 2006 11:03  
Blogger CountryBoyi said...

Drop e nigga, repent & marry Savage!

25 August, 2006 18:25  
Blogger scotchbiscuits said...

this quote made me forget what I was going to vote for.
'y'all chicks are weak'

26 August, 2006 06:23  
Blogger Eddie said...

oooh!! what a confused not totally aware of what i can tell you.No 3...know i don`t know but...know i cannot conclude.

26 August, 2006 13:52  
Blogger CountryBoyi said...

i dont like the look of that cat on your profile. reminds of the years of childhood when our little cat killed and my rabbit. i trapped it into an old sack and threw it into a pit latrine where it took a week to die. i'll never forget its mews of mercy shooting into my ears everytime i went to shit. not that i was really sorry (the damn cat had chewed my rabbit) but it was an unforgettable mistake when i had to punish it that way. so there, that cat of yours reminds me. in fact, it's almost offensive and i think you should remove it!

26 August, 2006 14:46  
Anonymous not_harriet said...

countryboi: You find the picture offensive? After that gross story?!

29 August, 2006 11:09  
Blogger Iwaya said...

Countryboyi, you did what?!?!

29 August, 2006 11:43  
Blogger The.Hanyeé said...

Ctrl-Alt-Delete! Genious!

Ati leftover pork? If he wants to sokomonga the goodies - however drunken - si he just semas that?

And then proceed with Killing Bill

29 August, 2006 13:45  
Blogger The.Hanyeé said...

Genious...kizungu ngumu

Genius :-)

29 August, 2006 13:47  
Anonymous mocha said... me ASAP reagarding this. I have something to share with you.

30 August, 2006 14:36  
Blogger spicebear said...

why you would want to feed him is beyond me. unless you shall pass by the chemist and get some laxatives while you are at it. sure, you will be "that mama who can't cook let alone boil water" but it will ensure everytime he thinks of you he will get shivers, shudders and horrible flashbacks. then call him back and go "si you come over and i pika for you?" which will result in a) him having the shivers shudders and flashbacks tenfold or b)him actually taking you up on your offer which means that you should double the dose ama he is just an idiot.

number 2 will do just fine otherwise. if none of these appeal to you, hit me up on the miriad of ways chewing gum can irritate him to no end.

31 August, 2006 07:30  
Blogger Pancake said...

hi KC, pls visit my blog and give me some advice.

31 August, 2006 11:56  
Blogger Marazzmatazz said...

One, smack him in the mouth. With a hammer. Make sure no teeth leaves to tell the tale.
Two, press control alt delete. That's my gal. Now empty recycle bin.
Three. Don't give him game. Just record LF showering or something! On top of emailing, do one of those supersized billboards of those fotoz!
If all the above fails, apply for asylum from that jamaz circles. Omen.

31 August, 2006 17:19  
Blogger Shiroh said...


Men are such buggers. Maybe he just forgot.

01 September, 2006 13:15  
Blogger ish said...

i like number 5... leaves u lookin innocent! if there's one thing organized crime has taught us, no matter what u do, u've gotta look innocent doin it

03 September, 2006 17:44  
Blogger minty said...

Hey, KC so...? I mean, what happened when you went to see him? You did go didn't you? Despite everything? Tell us.

04 September, 2006 18:57  
Anonymous Mwenyenchi said...

It wouldn't be any fun if the chap showed up 35 minutes later as he promised, would it? I know what you'd start calling him, softie.
Quit complaining.

04 September, 2006 20:51  
Blogger Jadekitten said...

@ mwenyenchi, it has NOTHING to do with being (or not being) fun by showing up when you had ascribed to, it has EVERYTHING to do with keeping your word. One of my pals sed that's a foreign concept where Kenyan men are concerned. If you sed you'd do something, do it, unless of course I was holding a knife to you and it was the only way of escaping my ire.

Moving on. KC, my girls and I, we 'purge'...Read: shift delete...kila kitu....sms's, call lists, number, everthing. Then when he finally calls you go like, 'uh, who's this?' innocently....tiihiiii... It's a good feeling, albeit temporary. So, so....411? Did you poison, knock his teeth out, nini nini....

05 September, 2006 12:39  
Blogger Aulelia said...

girl, the digital option is the best one. he'll know the kenyan diaspora worldwide and east african one too will see him @ his worst -- he'll never wanna go thru Jomo Kenyatta Airport again for fear of everyone knowing his secret!

05 September, 2006 20:03  
Anonymous MX said...

Free advise. Kenyan cats act w/ such impunity only because we know we can get away w/ it. Thats my view. If you do not like it, I have others... :-)

05 September, 2006 23:46  
Blogger Cherie said...

..........ok, wat hapnd when u went to see him? is he still alive? are u in jail? why are u MIA?

11 September, 2006 14:51  
Blogger bomseh said...

you know that ur the one he comes home to so just get used to it. atleast he was with other men.d'you know the fun of a boys' night out?reciprocate by standing him up and continue having fun with ur gals.

11 September, 2006 19:16  
Anonymous modoathiii said...

nyi hamjui, weh, kenyan chick muitie jack bauer. katikati ya hiyo siku yake hectic anaeza squeeze time na ma-something zingine hapo za huyo msee unaita LF.

au sivyo, kuna jamaa mwingine hapa mtaani anakaanga tu ni kama anaeza............

15 September, 2006 16:22  
Blogger kny@hart said...

i know am a lil late for this party but, pliz do forgive me, i be slow as dial up.

i hope u went with#6. there is nothing worse than a runny stomach!!!!

as for savage..... he needs that kill bill thingy! ati weak... ha!

17 October, 2006 14:33  
Anonymous ARIAKA said...

To me that ain't the whole story. Only half told. What did you do to him? What went wrong?

Occurs to me he's faster. He's on a mission. He beat you to it. It is too late dude.

Call a truce.

20 October, 2006 10:06  
Blogger Tafsiri Hii said...

My comment is 2 years late but still, I hope you pressed control alt delete on the LF's forehead. With a big-ass hammer! Too funny!

24 May, 2008 21:44  

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