Friday, September 15, 2006

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

(Blogger won't let me publish pictures. Why, WHY??)

So I met LF.

When he saw me (it was an ambush; this was war) you should have seen his face. He was like a deer caught in the headlights.

Or, in his case, a dik dik.

And you know what happens to them.

I’ll keep it brief, but you should probably know something first.

Sherry Palmer is my mother.

See, there’s so much that I didn’t tell you last time. I gave you one scenario until my disgust stopped me from proceeding and writing more. Oh, but there was more. For instance: one day he was sick and asked to borrow some movies. The only ones I had belonged to my niece. Now, I don’t lend other people’s things because things can get ugly and complicated. (And why do some people refuse to return stuff?) But this was my boyfriend, right? In any case, he lives not far from me and anyway look, they’re DVDs, they belong to my niece and he’d never screw me, right?

I underestimated the sliminess of his character.

I hadn’t seen him since The Pork Incident, so I decided to SMS him, asking him really politely (I swear!) to return the DVDs as said niece was asking for them.
Silence. No response what-the-F*** -soever. I sent him 2 text messages. Nothing. He avoided me for a month.

Seeing as he was obviously raised by wolves, I went into Plan B. I was tired of chasing him around, looking for a 12-year-old’s property, but I knew I’d get my chance.

Boy did I ever. A mutual friend was getting married and was having a final ‘wedding meeting’ at a restaurant where I coincidentally also happened to be. He was very happy to see me and then stunned me with this comment: “So, I hear we might be making similar arrangements for you and LF soon, eh?” Ok, now I was the deer caught in the headlights.

It dawned on me that he’d been letting his friends believe that not only were we still together, but that things were getting serious. This man is seriously disturbed. Then I saw my opportunity. I smiled sweetly and asked, “Is he coming for the meeting?” Of course he was. Let the games begin.

As soon as he walked through the door he saw me. And froze. Me? I leapt up and gave him a biiiiiiiiig hug. (Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.) He knew me well enough to be completely alarmed. Then, smiling broadly, I invited myself to his friends’ table. Hilarity ensued. I was animated and relaxed; he had squeezed himself between his chair and the wall, drinking whisky without speaking or looking up. I had a blast.

Finally I was ready to go. Kisses all around, “see you at the wedding” stuff. Then I turned to LF and, lovingly, oh so lovingly, said "Can you walk me to my car please?"
What was he going to say, No? I thought his head was going to explode. We went outside, I briefly looked at his forehead for the alt-delete buttons, burst out laughing, throwing him off balance again (now I looked unstable) but I recovered sufficiently to rip into him. It was epic. It was the Ben Hur of blastings.

The next day I got the DVDs back. Except for one.
I told my niece it had been stolen.


Blogger Iwaya said...

just this one time, just this once, please, please tell me: what does LF stand for? Something really nasty, don't it?

15 September, 2006 17:15  
Blogger modoathii said...

aw, shucks. hakukuwa na damu?

@ iwaya (nimeona watu wakifanya hivyo) soma blog msee.

15 September, 2006 18:11  
Blogger baz said...

They say coincidence is a cruel artist. That was brilliant. Does that count as number 6?

15 September, 2006 18:12  
Blogger bikozulu said...

@Iwaya.LF is a mean, diabolic insult that dates back to the yester centuries preserved for wayward men.The list of LF is impressive; Don Juan,David Blunkett,Kobe Bryant ,Bill Clinton,Julius Sunkuli,all our MP's...throw in city council askaris as well. LF is also any man who refuses to return Winnie the pooh DVD's and has to be prompted to see their girlfriend to the car.

16 September, 2006 10:12  
Anonymous savage said...

@Kenyanchick-It's not fair for you to summarize all the action into "It was epic. It was the Ben Hur of blastings."


You really owe us more. Like, a lot. You are going to have to write another blog post that that really conveys the essence of what went down between the moment you are walking to your car up to the point you step on the gas.

@bikozulu- I am assuming she is nolonger his girlfriend from "It dawned on me that he’d been letting his friends believe that not only were we still together, but that things were getting serious."

18 September, 2006 10:41  
Blogger Cherie said...

welcome back....but,after 2 whole month of no postings, u can't give us just this. we need to know wat went on at that table with his friends...
when is the wedding? that should be hilarious. if u get to sit on the same table,,,u'll make my day. and boy do i need a good day!

18 September, 2006 10:47  
Blogger bikozulu said...

@savage; You dont have to say that loud.What are you trying to do, open up septic wounds?

18 September, 2006 13:09  
Anonymous savage said...

Kenyanchick, you and me can now stop creeping and take this thing to the proverbial next level.

18 September, 2006 15:57  
Blogger Degstar said...

wat was modoathi saying? sumthin abt reading d blog and seeing?

i feel u "brotha(?)". u forgot Jacob Zuma.

.... may i hold u?

18 September, 2006 18:20  
Blogger Princess said...

You had me at "I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier!" LOL!! Some guys are annoying...a guy borrowed some of my CD's and I am picky about who I lend my CD's to..and to this day I have not seen them. It is so irritating!!

@cherie..I would be hilarious if they sat at the same table at the wedding..LOL!!

18 September, 2006 22:11  
Anonymous m said...

LOL! I think people who borrow stuff and refuse to return them should have said borrowed stuff stapled to their foreheads!

18 September, 2006 22:45  
Anonymous Jay said...

LF must have been saying to himself
"anymore unexpected niceness from this chick and I am out that door. I dont care what the rest think. I don't want to be around when she suddenly brings out the sharp knives".

19 September, 2006 16:19  
Blogger nick said...

ule sherry palmer was 24? the one killed in season 3?

lol at pichas refusin to show tato hates it when that happens


19 September, 2006 16:54  
Blogger Couch 'tato said...

my daer! woe unot you if u pull a stunt like that with my dvd's vita war!
ud really wonder how u got there:LOL

19 September, 2006 16:57  
Blogger POTASH said...

Hey I think your writing is pretty cool... how often can you blog? Like once a week; dope vibe no bloggers block stuff?
Would really like to know, for some shit i be working on. Changing the blogosphere.
mail me:
potashke AT gmail DOT com

20 September, 2006 10:16  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

He he! I can see that my true, evil self is finally being recognised and appreciated...

OK, SAV and other hecklers, you want details? You want the truth (you can't handle the.. never mind)

I'll write something short and nasty this evening, post it tomorrow.

20 September, 2006 16:28  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

@Degs - yes, hold me.
Sav - what the hell are you waiting for?

And I'm glad that people understood the homicidal rage that overcame me when he REFUSED TO RETURN SHIT THAT ISN'T HIS!!

20 September, 2006 16:31  
Blogger baz said...

Nick, you are not supposed to ever say who gets killed in 24!

20 September, 2006 18:18  
Anonymous La' Poet said...

Kenyan Chick, you can actually make lots of money by spinning shit. 'Cause you were either raised on the street or by parents who said "fuck" and "shit" often times. All am saying is that you got the art to hook from the way you write even if you are writing about 5Fs (whatever that means)

23 September, 2006 18:39  
Blogger modoathii said...

wewe, mchick mkenya, niaje hiyo guide to kenya 2? you can weave a yarn, bana lakini that has been long overdue...

i hear some peeps have already landed in kenya using your guide lakini wamekwama juu wametumia guide mpaka ikaisha.

i like your mad vibe.

27 September, 2006 10:50  
Anonymous mlevi said...

just thought i should let you know... your "a Kenyans guide to Kenya" is doing very heavy rounds on E-mail... though now one is claiming it as their own just yet.
wait for it to land in the papers and then you can reference M on how to handle...

and yes please tell some of us what the f*** LF is. ive guessed and nothing is forthcoming.
maybe im just slow

27 September, 2006 13:09  
Anonymous dante said...

Oh yeah, got it in the mail too. Someone was claiming they'd written it. set them straight i did i did.

27 September, 2006 20:07  
Blogger baz said...

I hope that isn't my fault. I know I emailed that post around like crazy.

But I did put the url of the website at the top and the bottom of the email and I remember adding something to the effect that if recipients of the email did not go to the blog immediately, all the stuff email forwards warn of will happen to them for real for real.

So if someone is sagializing KC's work, that person is reprobate indeed. We need to find that person and be merciless.

Not be like me, who has forgiven Dante for the gross abuse I suffered at his hands in the recent past.

And so he is still alive.

28 September, 2006 20:07  

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