Wednesday, October 18, 2006

D'Angelo, leather Jackets, and the lethal Long Pinkie Nail

First, an explanation: I’ve been away from my own blog for almost a whole month. I must apologise. And explain. When I wrote the Kenyan's Guide to Kenya, I never imagined that it would take on a life of its own. At first I looked on, bemused, as people (some known to me, most not) sent it along to me as a group-email “forward.” One good friend sent it along to me saying, “I wish I’d written this!” I was deeply flattered. However, I had no bloody idea how to respond. So I didn’t.

Then someone had the balls, the sheer impudence to send it as something he had written. Damn! Flattery that you liked the posting was one thing; claiming it as your own and erasing my authorship is something different entirely. I mean, DAMN! It took me a while to regroup. I started this blog anonymously for various reasons, which means that I couldn’t just “break cover” to claim the post (ok, I could but first: who would believe me? Secondly, why do it? To disprove some unoriginal, plagiarising wannabe’s delusions?). I thought about it and decided it wasn’t worth it. But boy was I pissed. Then, as a baksheesh, a backhanded ‘bonus,’ I got “blogger’s block.”

So I gathered my thoughts. I visited several blogs and, in a shameless and promiscuous manner, left brazen, uncensored comments in my wake. I was wanton and unashamed. But still “blocked.” Then, in my wanderings, I came across Movie Buff's blog, and she had a hilarious post about the kind of guy she was looking for… I love you, MB. You done helped this “heffer” get her groove back. And it’s funny you should bring it up because, dear Lord, does KC have some opinions about what’s out there!

So, KC’s ideal man. And the others.

The Ideal Man.

It’s really very simple: if you look like D’Angelo in his “How does it feel” video, go to the front of the queue. Heck, meet me at church. I’ll be the one in the frothy white dress.

Those Who Need Not Apply.

If you think that the height of fashion involves baggy jeans worn at thigh level, the better to reveal flowery boxer shorts slung over your sad little butt, here’s what you do:
1. Stand up.
2. Look straight ahead, chin slightly raised. Raise right hand. With great force, connect right hand to right cheek.
3. Stand up.
4. Repeat 2.

If you are looking for a submissive, skirt-wearing woman who agrees with everything you say, deeply yearns to have “your children,” and who’ll spend hours on her knees praying for your continued masculine leadership and wisdom then email me every Monday. That’s my designated Fantasies of the Tragically Misled Day.

Leather jackets. I’m torn about these because on Shaft, Neo and Morpheus they are sexy as hell. But I’m Kenyan, and I’ve been wronged by leather before. If you think an otherwise blameless leather jacket goes perfectly with a Stetson, a Datsun 160J - complete with customised mud flaps with leaping tiger motif - and a Dolly Parton/Kenny Rogers mixed tape you must leave this blog immediately. That means you too, Esther Wahome.

In fact, let me interrupt myself here to expound further on Leather Jacket Man.

People in leather jackets have been known to have The Long Pinkie Nail. Movie Buff and I agree that these people should be flogged in a public square for traumatising an entire generation. For those who don’t know what we’re talking about, let me explain: a sub-species of early Nairobi man (River Roadius Nairobicus and his cousin Kirinyaga Roadius Kenyapithecus) randomly decided – as men often do – that a long, preferably curved nail on his little finger could serve a multitude of purposes. It was also environmentally friendly: why scrabble around looking for twigs to make impromptu toothpicks when you have The Long Pinkie Nail? Why try to force a piece of cotton wool onto said twig when you can jab The Long Pinkie Nail into your ear?

Unfortunately, his modern descendent has decided that The Long Pinkie Nail is also a stealth weapon of seduction. When he shakes the hand of a desirable woman (read: any chick who’ll talk to him) he looks soulfully into her eyes, then slyly unleashes what is now The Nail of Lurve, and gently scratches the inside of her soft, receptive palm. She is immediately ready to bear his children.

Leather jacket man will take you out for a romantic paraffin lamp-lit dinner of nyama choma and vernacular music, where you will cosily share an uneven wooden bench while Rhoda the barmaid serves him warm, foamy beer. He doesn’t approve of you drinking beer, but you’re free to indulge in any of the many feminine and fruity alcoholic beverages out there.

Leather jacket man calls people like me ‘snobs’ because we like going to places where the toilets have toilet paper. Heck, we prefer going to places which have toilets.

Enough with the rant. To recap: D'Angelo: GOOD. Leather jackets with Long Pinkie Nail: BAD. Baggy jeans: go directly to jail.


Blogger modoathii said...

i opened this comment box to reply and i actually zoobed for ten seconds...(i don't believe i'm saying this) NIKO NUMBER MOJA. how blessed it feels to be the first to enjoy this deadly blogess's blog.

(then someone dares beat me before i post it)

nice stuff. welcome back from the blogger's bog.

sawa i don't look like d'andelo but si you know that black guy in CSI sijui las vegas ama whichever...close enough...

and i'm into leather jackets. kwanza when riding my motor bike.

LOL at the long-pinky-nail-seductive greeting. now imagine how freakish it is when a guy does it to a guy...AAAARGH!

18 October, 2006 13:09  
Blogger Cherie said...

when u interuppted yourselfm u forgot to go on!
LMAO.. the penalty for the jeans-balancing-bouncing- children!

18 October, 2006 16:56  
Blogger Acolyte said...

This post has rocked!
I think if you are plagiarised you know that you are on point! But it still irritates none the less!
As for leather jackets you do know there are leather and "leather" jackets, so be vigilant!
As for the pinkie nail, I am not touching that; pun intended!

18 October, 2006 17:23  
Anonymous Movie Buff said...

First... I have yet to read the whole post because I have angukad in kicheko like a nonsense.....

LMAO.. the need not apply.... tihihihi......

awww.... I feel special to have assisted the cause.....

18 October, 2006 18:07  
Anonymous Movie Buff said...

OK I am back....

the Kirinyaga Kenyapithecus???
Gal.. there is something that disturbs you... LOL... U done killed me.....

But I am with you on the long nail, leather jacket wearing people... in the words of Whitney.. Hell to the Naw.....

And also that thing of greeting you and then scratching your palm with the long pinky nail..??

18 October, 2006 18:23  
Blogger minty said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

18 October, 2006 18:44  
Blogger Udi said...

weeeeee, why are you dissing me and my leather jacket. Ushindwe. I am rocking leather like Whitney rocking crack. everyday

18 October, 2006 18:47  
Blogger minty said...

I am hooting like a brakes-less truck down a steep slope. You, KC, know how to return with a real bang. let me tell you that I appreciate the minutes you spent creating this post. (now let me rise from the floor where serious grovelling was taking place)

18 October, 2006 19:00  
Blogger baz said...

"Everything you say is real, and I respect you cos you tell it."

18 October, 2006 19:41  
Anonymous savage said...

About those who need not apply, do you realise you are discriminating against disabled people?
As in disabled by way of having a flat plane for a backside and as such one can't help having one's pants slide down to reaveal one's drawers.
Discrimination is evil.

18 October, 2006 20:54  
Blogger ish said...

i loathe The Long Pinkie Nail!!!!

i loathe it, loathe it, loathe it with a crimson-violet passion!

readin about the lemme-scratch-your-palm-shile-we-shake-hands stunt made me cringe in memory of some of the misguided Kampala fellows...

18 October, 2006 23:44  
Anonymous m said...

Ara? And here I am thinking my tight brown leather jacket, 10 gallon hat, corduroys and boots were a symphony of style! Humph!!!

Kwanza I got that forward just last week. FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD:

19 October, 2006 00:05  
Blogger bikozulu said...

Yaani, all that vitriol for leather, lol. You know those species in River Rodi and Kirinyaga Rd dont actually have leather, it's more like Pleather; a combination of plastic and leather in a ration of 67:2.

19 October, 2006 08:19  
Blogger minty said...

@savage, Most men are disabled in that way -that's what belts were invented for.

19 October, 2006 11:00  
Blogger Cherie said...

@KC...listen to the whole of the "Pimpin all over the world" song and then the last part where the guy singles out the "non-pimpin peeps"

then u'll be on song!
Funny haha!

19 October, 2006 14:40  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

@Modoathii - wait a minute. That guy from CSI? YOU LOOK LIKE HIM?? Send me a picture immediately. You never know, I might buy you a house.

@Cherie: what can I tell you, I have ADD!!

@Aco - coming to yours soon but after you posted those pix of Esther Wahome I've been having leather flashbacks, bwana!

19 October, 2006 15:09  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

@ My Movie Buff - You saved me!! And you know you know Kenyapithecus na wenzake!
@Udi - I thought you promised you'd take your medication every day.
@Minty - heh heh.
@Baz - (gravely, sagely): yes.
@Savage - yeah. Straight up discrimination. Sue me. But you can't coz you got a behind.
@Goddess - I thought this was strictly a Kenyan phenomenon. Don't tell me it's spread... nowhere is safe!

19 October, 2006 15:20  
Blogger Kenyanchick said...

@M - they definitely are not. But your use of the phrase "symphony of style" earns you a "Get out of Jail Free" card.

@Biko - pleather like... Esther Wahome's? (She'll haunt me for years).

@Minty - Hear, Hear!!

@Cherie - oh dear, can't listen to rap. Can't do it. I'd have to hurt someone. It wouldn't be pretty.

19 October, 2006 16:10  
Anonymous Onkoba said...

Ok first, my ribs... My poor innocent aching ribs. Secondly, my collegues at work... they don't understand why I have teary eyes and I was even busted choking, yes choking, with laughter...

I think there should be an advisory for anyone accessing this blog; "Warning, the contents of this site may cause severe rib injuries and lead the readers' workmates to consider dialing a mental institution".

Please keep on writing, you make my day.



19 October, 2006 17:55  
Blogger Darlkom said...

That thing where they scratch the inside of your palm with 'The Nail' is totally creepy. I always have to check that there is no residue there and since it makes it itch, I end up having to scratch the itch. I really can't stand it, which is why I am not really into giving handshakes to strangers.

20 October, 2006 10:04  
Blogger spicebear said...

i gagged when i read the part about the nail being used as a tooth pick and cotton bud. there was a shiver from my ankles all the way to the back when you mentioned the way "caress' your palm when they shake your hand. oh, the misfortune of meeting people whose idea of wooing (and foreplay for that matter) runs like that story of the dude who says "si umekura nyama? na urishiba? na samosa ilikuwa na firifiri (pili pili)?' so on and so forth and then ends in saying ati lazima shuma ilale ndani. the horror, the horror!

as usual, i come here and i have been totally hilarized. awesome post!

20 October, 2006 11:03  
Anonymous joe said...

Ihave been emailing you everymonday how come you havent replied lol

20 October, 2006 19:41  
Blogger Stwap said...

This post got me laughing sana..Kip it dat way!!
and kabla I forget, the blog is a bomb!
Dont u dare dissappear again??(Plz read that line like A nigerian!!)

21 October, 2006 12:17  
Blogger inane said...

That pinkie nail yuck i just dont get it.its gotta be the most disgusting thingie on a guy.ok followed by bad shoes.
that ka datsun n mud guard storo has me cracking up then the ka leather cladded dude has some o'er sun thingies(they dont qualify for sunglasses to me) over there just makes u wana crack up and leave u wondering alaa kwani wasap with me i'm attracting funny tumudus must be giving out some horrible vibe.eeeew@#%$%&%

23 October, 2006 16:05  
Blogger modoathii said...

kuna some confused chicks who believe i look like him. me i think i look like modoathii. at least that's what i see when i look in the mirror (when i get a chance). wacha i'll tafuta a picha and send.

keep it real. n you know our deal...

23 October, 2006 18:47  
Blogger Princess said...

I cannot stand dudes who sag their pants/shorts and expose their is annoying as chicks with their peek-a-boo thongs. As for the pinkie greeting..cannot stand that either. This post made my day!!

24 October, 2006 05:03  
Blogger Degstar said...

Thank you KC,
You made getting out of bed today worthwhile kabisa. Anytime you're in Kla, I'm housing you Sula's rolex in Wandegs.

Peace n Love

26 October, 2006 15:46  
Blogger Cherie said...

KC, u sed u were back! as in BACK!


27 October, 2006 11:09  
Blogger Chatterly said...

the looong pinky nail...i just see germs and more germs ewwww filthy!

27 October, 2006 12:56  
Blogger Proud Nyeuthi said...

BLJ. That's short for Black Leather Jacket. Or Brown. The BLJ that wronged me had been polished with Kiwi to give it a new lease on life. Ashana naye!
About the pinkie nail, I saw a man pick his nose and flick it clean (with the pinkie nail of the opposite hand). The world is such a daunting place.......

01 November, 2006 04:07  
Blogger Shiroh said...

That housewife one dates 1955. I have moved from bewilderment to real shock, now i am back to normal

Ati Kii?

Seeing that i should always have dinner ready, not bug when he comes God knows what time, not tell him my problems. Ngai fafa?

1955 must have been a good year for men. Unfortunately many still live that year.

Fast forward 2006
Dinner= Microwaved Pizza

You come late=You don't eat= you sleep in the car because there is no one to open the gate for you and you lost your keys in the bar or something. My cell is obviously off!!

Evening= Soap Watching mania. Problems will be like
That Barbara Chic is evil or Why can't you be like Alejandro.
My boss is such an ass..

Housekeeping= The regular woman who comes twice every week to wash our clothes.

Your clothes are to be ironed at the dry cleaners

Anyway Great Post. Enjoyed every minute of it

03 November, 2006 16:52  
Blogger jke said...

So you're still single? Ok, singooool.

11 November, 2006 23:26  
Anonymous farmgal said...

KC that post is hirarious to say the least. And that thing where some stupid guy tickles your palm ...just reminded me when some stupid dude did that to me. DISGUST! And I was only twelve..very creepy.

01 February, 2007 13:12  
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28 March, 2011 08:10  
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14 December, 2011 15:11  

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