Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Is This Thing On?

I’ve been tied up. My apologies. I know I’ve made the excuse before – shut up Mr. Magoo – but I’m in transition, about to embark on a major life change (It's not what you think. And I’m not getting married either, tch.) I’ll be making it public soon. You wait with bated breath, I know. But cut me some slack, I mean, I’m freaked out enough as it is. Anyway, so, I’ve missed blogging, and after some major badgering from some blogger pals (and they know who they are), I decided I’d just share some thoughts. And since I haven’t been feeling very charitable of late - you know, just for a change - I decided to share…

Some of the most delicious disses I’ve ever heard.

Drink in the Competition…
“The asshole dumped me. He dumped me. And the worst part? You should see what he left me for. I was expecting some stunning, statuesque model type. God, you should see her. She looks like a glass of milk.”
Some miscellaneous British writer. Publication unknown/forgotten.



… But Not The Entertainment.
One time a friend comes to visit me in New York City. We go to Tower Records where she picks out several CDs. The bill is huge and, although she has the cash, she decides to use a credit card. So she turns to the Goth-looking, nose-studded clerk and asks,

“Can I use my Diner’s Card?
Clerk: “Why, you gonna eat the CDs?”




Meet the Diaspora.
Then there was the time I met this black British woman at a conference. She was very, very strange. She had a bizarre purple-hued weave and a jarring accent, and was prone to making cringe-inducing statements. For example: “My family’s orijn’lly Ghanian. I’m British, of course, but I still feel weally, weally African, you know? (That wasn’t a typo, by the way. She weally said “Ghanian.”)

Then she gatecrashed the opening ceremony, after which she sought out the jaded African journalists that K.C. was hanging out with. The encounter led to this breathless and unfortunate outburst:

“I met the President of Ghana! And I told him that me family’s Ghanian! Then, ohmygod, I saw the Queen!! I was shakin’! I could ‘ardly speak! I called me mum and woke ‘er up! Told her I met me past and me present in one room!”

After she left there was a stunned silence. Then the South African shook his head and sighed, “That one? That is not a brain drain.”

It’s now My Favourite Diss of All Time.

19 Comments:

Blogger baz said...

You wicked woman! You made me laugh out loud in the middle of the office! I almost fell off this ergonomic chair!

29 November, 2006 16:33  
Blogger Savage-No, I didn't quit said...

Indeed you are back. The Tower records clerk and the British nigga's past and present just killed me.

29 November, 2006 17:26  
Blogger modoathii said...

i've decided to be reading your blogs only after work when there's no one in the office (except this weird chick listening to music on head phones and getting all the lyrics loudly wrong). that is the only time i can laugh my arse off and not get rude stares.

now why you go all out and hurt our dear ribs? na vile nina-homa. (try laughing with a running nose and see)

welcome back!

29 November, 2006 18:55  
Blogger Majonzi said...

lol!! I cannot wait to use that one!! lolz, ati that one is not a brain drain!! LOL

29 November, 2006 23:01  
Blogger Proud Nyeuthi said...

Enyewe that one was funny.

30 November, 2006 03:42  
Blogger Acolyte said...

Those are classic quotes! You have made my day! I am sure there are loads more you have to share!

30 November, 2006 06:18  
Anonymous Onkoba said...

A glass of milk?

No really, a glass of milk? Thats too funny, and I don't even know why, it just is.

As for the diaspora visiting the mother land, that cool, but for God's sake, I know people need something to hang on to to give them a sense of identity and belonging but that lady takes the cake, the oven and in fact, the bakery. LOL

30 November, 2006 08:27  
Blogger ish said...

looks like a glass of milk? i have to use that one before this week ends. and that 'ghanian'? goes to show, people in real life are funnier than the ones on tv.

30 November, 2006 14:59  
Anonymous Movie Buff said...

bwahahahahahaha

LOL

ha ha
Thats funny!

Please dont stay away for long again, yes???

01 December, 2006 00:36  
Blogger Kabinti said...

OMG that brain drain one was HILARIOUS!!!!

01 December, 2006 17:36  
Blogger The 0ne said...

I'm so going to use these lines...Welcome Back.

01 December, 2006 21:43  
Blogger Princess said...

Hilarious!!

02 December, 2006 00:34  
Blogger Degstar said...

God bless u, woman.
u r truly amazing. even tho its half midnight n my back is killing me, i'm glued to this screen bse of peeps like u. thanks again.

05 December, 2006 00:31  
Blogger Iwaya said...

the comeback of the year!

05 December, 2006 18:02  
Blogger Zack said...

Great piece! But you gonna keep making comebacks like this (once a month) all time??

07 December, 2006 14:00  
Blogger Lovely Amphibian said...

woe unto anyone who wants to get in you space. with lines like that stored up in your head, who can dare?

07 December, 2006 16:41  
Blogger Cherie said...

LOL the brain drain thingi....humor at its best.

08 January, 2007 14:51  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yenyewe thats not brain drain, that was a favour!

15 January, 2007 14:08  
Blogger coldtusker said...

It's official... I will not read your blog in the office... my colleagues think me not working & just snickering to myself... well, they may be right? Are they?

Ahh... brain drain... cretainly down the drain that one!

05 February, 2007 22:13  

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