Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Is This Thing On?

I’ve been tied up. My apologies. I know I’ve made the excuse before – shut up Mr. Magoo – but I’m in transition, about to embark on a major life change (It's not what you think. And I’m not getting married either, tch.) I’ll be making it public soon. You wait with bated breath, I know. But cut me some slack, I mean, I’m freaked out enough as it is. Anyway, so, I’ve missed blogging, and after some major badgering from some blogger pals (and they know who they are), I decided I’d just share some thoughts. And since I haven’t been feeling very charitable of late - you know, just for a change - I decided to share…

Some of the most delicious disses I’ve ever heard.

Drink in the Competition…
“The asshole dumped me. He dumped me. And the worst part? You should see what he left me for. I was expecting some stunning, statuesque model type. God, you should see her. She looks like a glass of milk.”
Some miscellaneous British writer. Publication unknown/forgotten.

… But Not The Entertainment.
One time a friend comes to visit me in New York City. We go to Tower Records where she picks out several CDs. The bill is huge and, although she has the cash, she decides to use a credit card. So she turns to the Goth-looking, nose-studded clerk and asks,

“Can I use my Diner’s Card?
Clerk: “Why, you gonna eat the CDs?”

Meet the Diaspora.
Then there was the time I met this black British woman at a conference. She was very, very strange. She had a bizarre purple-hued weave and a jarring accent, and was prone to making cringe-inducing statements. For example: “My family’s orijn’lly Ghanian. I’m British, of course, but I still feel weally, weally African, you know? (That wasn’t a typo, by the way. She weally said “Ghanian.”)

Then she gatecrashed the opening ceremony, after which she sought out the jaded African journalists that K.C. was hanging out with. The encounter led to this breathless and unfortunate outburst:

“I met the President of Ghana! And I told him that me family’s Ghanian! Then, ohmygod, I saw the Queen!! I was shakin’! I could ‘ardly speak! I called me mum and woke ‘er up! Told her I met me past and me present in one room!”

After she left there was a stunned silence. Then the South African shook his head and sighed, “That one? That is not a brain drain.”

It’s now My Favourite Diss of All Time.